life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
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He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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