C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
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That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
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That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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