It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
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I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
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BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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