also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
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This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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