Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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