i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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