No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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