sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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