I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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