i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
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I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
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We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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