Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize