why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize