if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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