I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
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Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
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I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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