two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
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You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
God, I missed his penis.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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