we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
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Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
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he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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