Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
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At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
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I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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