We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
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It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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