If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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