seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize