That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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