Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize