Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
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I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
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It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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