He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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