Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize