I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
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I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
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I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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