just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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