i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
