Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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