i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
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I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
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The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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