she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
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It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
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I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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