I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
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Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
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I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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