dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
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This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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