i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize