Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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