You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
wanna go halves on a baby?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
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That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
They are going to name an STD after you.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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