I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
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Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
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what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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