I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
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Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
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I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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