I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
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Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
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Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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