If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
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We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
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The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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