if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize