He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
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I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
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She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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