I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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