seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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