So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
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He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
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she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
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