when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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