so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
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He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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