his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
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She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
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Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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