FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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