Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
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When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
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arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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